Silent no more.

        I have struggled with the decision about whether to write this blog or not. Watching the ongoing parade of women and the men who have abused them in every facet of our lives I decided that I would go ahead and write.  Not as much for myself, but for everyone else who is silent and damaged by abuse.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Physical, Sexual, Emotional, and Verbal just to name  a few.  We are almost to the year 2018.  We are supposed to be an educated, evolved, modern society.  Abuse in this day and age should not occur  with the frequency that it does.  It makes me wonder for all those who speak out about abuse, how many soldier on silently never saying a word.  While the abuse may be stopped or end.  The after effects may last forever.  For some it becomes a daily struggle just to make it through the day.  It can effect every aspect of their lives.  Self esteem, depression, guilt, self abuse, fear and living in their own private emotional cell.

     This blog is for those who are silent.

 Last night after work while walking in Fry's foods.  I inadvertently witnessed a mother verbally abusing both her son and another young lady.  High school age young people.  It was so inhumane that it snapped me into an emotional flashback that frankly completely surprised me and changed the way I will act and react in the future.

     As I walked in the door an Angry woman said "where is she?,  I will walk back there and find that bitch if she doesn't show up".  I kept walking and went and selected a cake.  On the way I passed a young lady and two young men walking the other way.  I grabbed a cake and headed to the self checkout where I could hear the woman yelling at the kids.  They had moved to right outside the exit door.  It was after I got off work at 9 so there weren't many customers around and apparently no adult Supervisors on duty at Fry's because nobody had the presence of mind to make her stop.  I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring her until I left and as I walked past them on the only way out the door she told the girl "not to speak to her or she would slap the face off her head".

     That's when it happened. The flashback, I snapped, I remembered an incident from my youth and I could no longer keep silent. I saw the embarrassment and humiliation in their faces and remember the same situation and feelings.  I stopped and basically told the woman to shut the hell up or I was going to call the sheriff and CPS.  At which time she took a step toward me and said"  Its non of your business and shut the hell up".  Wrong move. She may have spent a lifetime of bullying people but that night it wasn't going to work on me.   I told her one more step and I would knock her on her ass and then call the sheriff and report her for child abuse.  I found myself standing over her telling her something to the effect if she didn't want kids she should have given them to somebody who could appreciate them.  She didn't deserve them, She was abusing them and she needed to make some real changes in her life.  I didn't back down until she reeled it in and talked to me in  a civil voice. She was as angry as any one I have ever seen, but she was smart enough to shut the hell up.  As I was getting in the car the young lady walked by on the way to her car and I asked her if she was all right.  She said she was, she didn't look it, and she thanked me for caring.  I felt angry, embarrassed, exhausted and too many other things to mention.

    When I got home I told Brian about the incident and had a good cry.  You see.  If you hear " you goddamn dumb ass"  often enough.  You start to believe it after a while.  Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse because you hear it and it works on your head.  Jesus keeey riist how stupid are you.  Each phrase said over time piles on until the weight is like the earth on your shoulders.  Brian has heard me get into an argument.  I have a very violent and uncivilized vocabulary when it happens and I am not proud of it.

     I understand at my age I should be over it.  I understand that at some point you become a responsible human being and you are responsible for you own actions.  I also understand that when you have been abused long enough some things are beyond your control.  I also know that children of abusers, much like children of alcoholics and drug abusers have a greater percentage of becoming abusive as well.  What never ends is the ongoing battle with self esteem.  Self doubt is crippling.

     I had the best grandparents.  I never heard an argument between them that I thought was too out of hand.  Believe me I know what those arguments sound like.  I remember them riding in the car and holding hands.  I remember my grandmother keeping a photo of my grandfather by her bed after he passed away and she talked to it every day.  My grandfather used to forget her sometimes when we were traveling or were at horse shows, but I never saw him be ugly to her ever.  I am telling this because I have been told that when my grandfather was younger and when they were first married he used to be really hard on my grandmother, drank and was not exactly a great parent.  I've asked and none of us grand kids ever saw that kind of behavior.  I asked a cousin of mine one time if he thought it was true and his answer was very sobering for me.  He said " your mother and my father are both abusive and they had to have learned it from somewhere.  Until I heard that, I never considered it to be true.  I also had the realization that if he was abusive something made him change and if he changed, became responsible for his behavior then its possible for other people to realize they are abusive as well and they can change too.  After all they had an example of it right in front of their faces.

    Kids of abusive parents have no friends.  The fear of what will happen when you bring them home keeps you from doing it.  Or the repercussions of bringing one home your parents don't approve of and the hell to pay and insults that you deal with after they leave.  You adapt, kind of living this constant shuck and jive.  You dog and your horse are your best friends, you can stay outside or in your bedroom for hours just trying to stay out of range.  After a while you when nothing is ever good enough you just give up.  You stop trying in school, in sports, you just look for some neutral safe ground.

     I would like to think that I've outgrown my child hood.  The reality is that while I have made great progress in my life  the fact is I have to work on my behavior every day.  I have to struggle to not be angry and abusive to certain types of people and my patience level with them sucks.  Getting into a verbal argument with me can be brutal.  There is no filter and my aggressiveness and meanness ramps up quickly.  I know at this age I am totally responsible for my actions.  I have no one to blame but myself at this stage in my life.

   I did not write this to lash out or to hurt anyone.  But to bring to light the fact that verbal abuse still happens and it can be just as damaging to it's victims as any other type of abuse.