Another Black Eye.

So yesterday some of you may have noticed an interesting exchange between me and a liberal on my Facebook page.  He apparently doesn't have the same views as I do and felt the need to say some pretty disparaging things about me, my mother, my life, and was so kind as to actually threaten to kill me twice.  All in all it was just pretty interesting and I've waited until today to respond to some of his issues. 

I really don't care what you have to say about my mother.  I am sure that we have said worse about each other to each other,  but its just tacky to say something about someones mother. 

You can say whatever you like about me.  I've been picked on my whole life,  I'm a big guy I'm used to it and I can take it. 

Threatening to kill me is hysterically funny.  I'm probably the only Fag you know who has been arrested twice for assault.  Bring it on you diseased heap of pus.  I'm pretty easy to find and I have a great deal of pent up aggression.  A little extra exercise is a good thing. 

The worst part about the whole thing is that you have succeeded in validating the main reason straight people are afraid of the gay agenda.  You see, straight people don't care who your having sex with, when or how or any thing about it.  They don't care if you want to get married they don't care if you want to march naked in a parade.  They do however care when you insist in pushing your values, morality, and opinions on them.  Your Hitler like insistence that everyone must follow your beliefs is why the straight and christian communities are afraid of you and why the gay community is experiencing a push back from them. 

I don't know why you chose to have such an impassioned reaction to my post,  alcohol abuse, being on your meds so long that it has started to affect your brain function, or some serious emotional issue that you are experiencing right now.  I just hope that you find the help you need to come to terms with your issues. 

Two Queens and a Wedding Cake

    I wasnt going to comment on this issue again but a few people have asked me so I think I will.

As you know this week the Supreme Court overturned a Colorado Circuit court ruling that a Colorado Business had to make a cake for a gay couple.  Basically the Supreme Court said the Colorado Court was not unbiased in its opinion.  Everybody is saying this is a victory for the church and religion and a loss for gays and equal rights.

Everybody is a loser on this issue.

        I have watched three different interviews with the gay couple.  They didnt live in Colorado full time.  The wedding was not in Colorado, it was to be for a reception there for their friends.  They claim to be devastated, embarrassed and humiliated by the refusal.  Honestly, those are completely unqualified feelings as far as I'm concerned.  The baker just said no.  He did not make fun of them, he did not put a sign on the door that he refused to make them a cake.  He didnt call all his friends and tell them about the gay couple.  He said no and gave a reason valid to him.  This was not a slap against gay rights the man does not actively campaign against them.  He simply said because of his religious beliefs he did not want to make a cake.  They should have acted with dignity and gone on to the next place.

     I have also watched a few interviews with the baker.  While I think religion is the single most bigoted and racist institution allowed to legally operate.  I believe this man was well within his rights to refuse to bake a cake if he lives what he believes.

     When we ordered our cake, We happened to order a cake from someone who had never made a cake for a gay wedding or even had any gay friends.  She actually made some unintended off color remarks about fudge filling and such while we were ordering the cake.  We played along, ordered the cake and everything else went off without a hitch.  Since the wedding she has seen us a couple times in the store and will stop working and walk around with us chatting.  She asks us questions about being a gay married couple and seems genuinely interested in our lifestyle.

    Had we acted offended and made an issue about her off color humor, we would have missed the opportunity to allow her to see that gay a couple can be just like any other couple and the chance to make a new friend.  It was an unintended opportunity to enlighten someone who otherwise had no idea what gay people were like and to fight the stereotypes portrayed in the media. 

    There were so many things wrong with this case.  The gay couple should have not been so sensitive and used their brains and realized this was not a discrimination of the gay lifestyle, but rather one individuals deep belief in his faith.  I dont understand why they would want to pay someone for a service when he doesnt approve of their lifestyle anyway.  They made the wrong choice to involve a lawsuit. 

     The state of Colorado and the courts failed to recognize that in the one of the reasons people immigrated here to begin with was freedom of religion.  They failed to protect that. 

     The baker.  Who may be a devout christian failed to make a decision without influence by the church.  Any sane individual should be able to recognize when undue influence in being placed on your decision making by an institution. 

     Unfortunately what people are going to remember about this is not that gay rights took a hit from the supreme court, but two gay men had a temper tantrum about not getting a pretty wedding cake. 
Just makes the rest of us gay humans look bad. 

Knowing when to read the little signs.

     There is a point to this one, but it may take a little time to find it. 

I have started going to the gym at 6am because I have to be to the office by 8:30.  There is a collection of  "older" men that all work out at that time.  They dont actually work out together, just at the same time and they all sit there and have coffee afterwards.  They are fun,  relaxed, nice guys and I have become friends with a few of them.   If you dont know.  I nutted up and wrecked the new race car this weekend.  I think its completely fixable but the timing is really poor.  It has been hard for me to learn to race it because it is different than the other one.  This weekend was different.  I was actually really enjoying the car and turning the fastest laps at the east track that I ever have.  It was a joy I think the only thing in life I have enjoyed more was getting married.  Until I lost it on the right hander which I tried to do without braking and backed it into the pit wall.  Which I knocked over.  I dont know how fast I was going but it was by far the hardest hit I have experienced.  I have worn a silver Tiffany choker since Mark passed away. It was his.  The impact actually broke the choker, it stretched a link far enough that is fell off me into my drivers suit.

      I have been trying to not be upset about it and then somebody put some shit on Facebook about it and I've still put on a happy face and today I was whistling in the locker room at the gym.  One of the old guys said well somebodys happy today.  I said not really but I am working on it. Thats when he said " you must be like my son.  He struggles with happiness and I have to go visit him at the hospital this morning"  I asked why and he replied.  "heroin overdose".  Now that is some reality at 7am.  makes my feeling sorry for myself for wrecking the race car pretty damn insignificant. 

     Time to read the signs.  I have the happiest life I could have.  A wonderful husband and in-laws that I have fallen in love with as well.  I have a wonderful sister. The best friends anyone could have. A great house, a great job and I get to enjoy my hobbies with all of them.  Not one thing here that is any bigger than a bump in the road.  I am not going to wear the choker any more.  Time to focus on the future, what I have right in front of me and this awesome life I have ahead of me. 

Some times its the little signs that we need to pay the most attention too. 

Some Special Moments

I think there are moments in our lives that make such and impression on us that we will always cherish and remember them.

I have always been a car nut.  I love race cars as a little kid.  Hot wheels, model cars, toy trucks etc.  My Dad had a friend who was a police officer and he had a black C3 Corvette.  He used to come by the house sometimes and I fell in love with that car.  Its when I first started loving Corvettes.  I always dreamed and imagined racing one some day.  Time went on and dreams and desires take a back seat to real life and the real world and we put those dreams of younger years on hold.  The dedication and time requirements of being in the horse business put a lot of my "real world" desires on hold.  The horse business is an all consuming industry whether you are a hobbyist or a professional trainer, it is a responsibility that never gets put on the back burner.  I've owned Corvettes for the last 20 years and finally got the opportunity to track them when I moved to Arizona in 2009.  My Childhood dream had finally come true.  I admit it is everything that I imagined it to be.  The childlike excitement I fell unloading the car each time at the track never seems to go away.  It always stirs my emotions.  There is an indescribable feeling for me arriving and driving at a legendary track like Laguna Seca.

Since I started racing Ive longed to be able to share this amazing hobby with my partner, husband  and especially my father.  Neither if which I thought would be possible.  Little did I know that a chance meeting would bring the most amazing man into my life that I would not only get to marry, but would actually share my passion for cars and racing.  The last 18 months watching Brian evolve on track first driving his Audi S3 then the C5 fixed roof Corvette, to his R8 less than a month after buying it and wrecking the Vette to now driving the C5 Coupe has been truly magical for me.  I was always proud of the progress my horse clients made and I am the same way with those who I instruct in the car.  Especially Brian,  watching his confidence grow and him getting faster has been great.

This weekend was Brian's first weekend participating in race group.  I decided that is would be a good place to start because it was a track that he was comfortable with.  It also happened that for Christmas he gave his dad a New Members instruction day with ProAutoSports.  I was his instructor.  Saturday was his dads day and I instructed him on his first two track sessions, Brian rode with him on his third and I gave him a ride in the car on his fourth.  He did a fine job for his first time. Driving a car he has never been in, not street legal anymore and set up to race.  Its not like taking your daily driver to the track to ride around in.  The guys at ProAutoSports were awesome as usual making a good day even better.  I cant thank them enough for making this a special weekend for everybody.

Since I've started racing Ive wanted to share a racing weekend with my father.  The stars and the planets have never aligned and Ive given up on that ever happening. I never imagined that I would marry into a family that would allow me the opportunity to share that experience with my father in law.  I'm not always easy to deal with and every one that knows me knows that I am far from perfect but they have taken me in and accepted me the way that I am right from the start.  I have cherished every moment with them. 

I didn't completely hold up my end of the bargain this weekend.  Brian has gotten faster than me in the car and he did a great job qualifying the car third over all and 1st in class !!!!  I had a great position for the qualifying race, halfway through the first lap I looped the car in front of the rest of the field and spun off track killed the motor and had to re cycle the main power switch to get the car to fire.  When I finally got back on track I was a half lap behind.  Should make for some good video if I choose to upload it.  After a scolding from my mother in law about controlling myself during the first lap I managed to finish the main race 3rd overall and 2nd in class. I totally cost us a chance at a win. 

It was amazing to pull into the pits and park next to the trailer and see my new family happy and smiling back at me. I cant begin to express how that feels. 

The 2018 Elections

     With everything going on in Washington today.  The fighting between the right and the left and the state that the country is in.  I have a had a few thoughts that I think are relevant to the upcoming mid term elections. 

    First.  you do realize that the Russia Investigation, spouse abuse, paying a porn star, and the miserable excuse we have now for the FBI, absolutely no work is being done by the congress and the senate.  Health care needs to be fixed.  Immigration, our roads and bridges.  Medical Marijuana, CDL licensing, Viable alternative energy, inheritance taxes unemployment, banking regulations, , etc.  Just a few things that should have been addresses 35 years ago.  Since I have been voting these same issues come up year after year.  Just take the last 12 months.  Have any single issues been handled. 

     Just think about what they are doing in Washington and if it is doing anything to improve your daily lives.  WE ELECT people to run this country and handle the issues that we dont have time, energy or money to handle ourselves.  Our elected officials have one singular responsibility.  To run our country.  I dont want them in my bedroom and I dont care what they do in ours.  I dont want them passing moral judgement on me and I dont give on shit about their morals.  I want them to do the job they were elected to do.  Our media is out of control and they are in control of the issues that we see in front of us every day.  They never,  NEVER as an important or relevant question.  They are too busy pissing about a $160k payment for sex that happened before our president took office to ask why havent the congress and senate gotten to work for the people. 

    This fall when you go to the polls think about a few things.  We dont have to settle with the candidate choices we have.  We can write in.  We can leave blank, we can simply not vote for the choices we have.  Its been a year since they have done any real work so sending them back to the drawing board and coming up with real candidates.  If they cant work on programs that make our every day lives better.  They dont need to be in Washington.  They need to lose their special perks and privileges have to live with the same health care that we have.   The same laws for sexual abuse,  No more paying for their sins.  If they get in trouble they need to be out. 

    Every sane person knows the president has no real power.  Our country is run by the senate and the congress.   Its time they were made to do the work they were elected to. 

The Womens March, I guess its just a matter of perspective.

     Frankly,  I don't exactly understand all this woman's march stuff.  These women they show on T.V.  Where do they come from.  They are not like any of the women that I grew up with, was raised by, or circulate in my life now. 

     I was raised around strong intelligent women.  My grandmothers were housewives who did what was expected of them at the time.  They worked outside the home when needed. They raised their children took care of their husbands they were married to business owners and farmers and they worked hard everyday and complained little and I never knew them to be unhappy with the lives they led.  This wasn't some utopia, it was real life.  My mother is a strong intelligent woman who worked a real job owned her own business, worked with my father, raised us and I never ever though she was oppressed.  She raised a strong intelligent daughter who has never had a problem with being oppressed.  I have an entire brood of female cousins who are strong willed, educated, intelligent non oppressed women. 

    When I did date women they were strong intelligent educated purposeful women.  They grew up and matured into exceptional humans.  Definitely not a group of oppressed women with vagina's on their heads. 

   The women that I have associated in my life have not been that way either.  All of the women that were in my various 4-H clubs, high school sports teams, high school class mates etc. are not indicative of the women that you see marching.  They've grown up to run cities, manage portfolios, have modeling, nursing, law careers.  My Music teacher, 4-H leader, were strong take control women who were far from oppressed. 

    Even in my everyday life today I am surrounded by and have been surrounded by completely independent, intelligent, respected women.  The horse industry is full of women who run businesses and their lives responsible for the lives of countless horses and customers and youths that they have raised.  My adult women friends run businesses, they are bank presidents, single mothers, and small business owners, they raise respectful intelligent children.  Most of the women that I know today are married to successful men who with out question treat them as equals.  Most of the men that I know treat those women with the same  special love and respect that my father treated my mother. 

     None of these women are marching with vagina costumes on demanding for rights that they already have.  They don't get government checks for child care or health care or women's health issues, and if they did.  They would do it respectfully and regrettably until they were able to support themselves without the help of the government. 

    When I see these women on the news they are like no other women that Ive known.  First of all they all look dirty. Do these women bathe?  The majority of them are dressed like they are homeless.  They tend to all look like the women you see on Facebook being made fun of at Wal-Mart.  How can you be taken seriously when you look like a zoo animal.  My mother used to say " you want something to cry about?, I'll give you something to cry about".  How would these women like it if they didn't have any rights.  The hell with health care and prenatal care lets take away their voting rights and their rights to drive and work get an education like most of the third world countries.  The comparisons that I have seen made between the women's rights marchers and the Chinese people who march against the government and through Tiananmen square are ludicrous at best.  Those people in China have no rights.  They cant even get pregnant without government permission.  This lazy group of marchers wouldn't make it a day living in China.  And Whoopi Goldberg and various other celebrities giving speeches and marching are just as big a joke.  The public pays you to be entertaining, so frankly shut the fuck up and try and entertain us.  You have chosen your life and you have no valuable opinion as far as I'm concerned. 

    None of the women I have known are like these women.  I'm sad there are so many in America who frankly seem to have very little to contribute and just want to take from the rest of us. 

Silent no more.

        I have struggled with the decision about whether to write this blog or not. Watching the ongoing parade of women and the men who have abused them in every facet of our lives I decided that I would go ahead and write.  Not as much for myself, but for everyone else who is silent and damaged by abuse.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Physical, Sexual, Emotional, and Verbal just to name  a few.  We are almost to the year 2018.  We are supposed to be an educated, evolved, modern society.  Abuse in this day and age should not occur  with the frequency that it does.  It makes me wonder for all those who speak out about abuse, how many soldier on silently never saying a word.  While the abuse may be stopped or end.  The after effects may last forever.  For some it becomes a daily struggle just to make it through the day.  It can effect every aspect of their lives.  Self esteem, depression, guilt, self abuse, fear and living in their own private emotional cell.

     This blog is for those who are silent.

 Last night after work while walking in Fry's foods.  I inadvertently witnessed a mother verbally abusing both her son and another young lady.  High school age young people.  It was so inhumane that it snapped me into an emotional flashback that frankly completely surprised me and changed the way I will act and react in the future.

     As I walked in the door an Angry woman said "where is she?,  I will walk back there and find that bitch if she doesn't show up".  I kept walking and went and selected a cake.  On the way I passed a young lady and two young men walking the other way.  I grabbed a cake and headed to the self checkout where I could hear the woman yelling at the kids.  They had moved to right outside the exit door.  It was after I got off work at 9 so there weren't many customers around and apparently no adult Supervisors on duty at Fry's because nobody had the presence of mind to make her stop.  I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring her until I left and as I walked past them on the only way out the door she told the girl "not to speak to her or she would slap the face off her head".

     That's when it happened. The flashback, I snapped, I remembered an incident from my youth and I could no longer keep silent. I saw the embarrassment and humiliation in their faces and remember the same situation and feelings.  I stopped and basically told the woman to shut the hell up or I was going to call the sheriff and CPS.  At which time she took a step toward me and said"  Its non of your business and shut the hell up".  Wrong move. She may have spent a lifetime of bullying people but that night it wasn't going to work on me.   I told her one more step and I would knock her on her ass and then call the sheriff and report her for child abuse.  I found myself standing over her telling her something to the effect if she didn't want kids she should have given them to somebody who could appreciate them.  She didn't deserve them, She was abusing them and she needed to make some real changes in her life.  I didn't back down until she reeled it in and talked to me in  a civil voice. She was as angry as any one I have ever seen, but she was smart enough to shut the hell up.  As I was getting in the car the young lady walked by on the way to her car and I asked her if she was all right.  She said she was, she didn't look it, and she thanked me for caring.  I felt angry, embarrassed, exhausted and too many other things to mention.

    When I got home I told Brian about the incident and had a good cry.  You see.  If you hear " you goddamn dumb ass"  often enough.  You start to believe it after a while.  Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse because you hear it and it works on your head.  Jesus keeey riist how stupid are you.  Each phrase said over time piles on until the weight is like the earth on your shoulders.  Brian has heard me get into an argument.  I have a very violent and uncivilized vocabulary when it happens and I am not proud of it.

     I understand at my age I should be over it.  I understand that at some point you become a responsible human being and you are responsible for you own actions.  I also understand that when you have been abused long enough some things are beyond your control.  I also know that children of abusers, much like children of alcoholics and drug abusers have a greater percentage of becoming abusive as well.  What never ends is the ongoing battle with self esteem.  Self doubt is crippling.

     I had the best grandparents.  I never heard an argument between them that I thought was too out of hand.  Believe me I know what those arguments sound like.  I remember them riding in the car and holding hands.  I remember my grandmother keeping a photo of my grandfather by her bed after he passed away and she talked to it every day.  My grandfather used to forget her sometimes when we were traveling or were at horse shows, but I never saw him be ugly to her ever.  I am telling this because I have been told that when my grandfather was younger and when they were first married he used to be really hard on my grandmother, drank and was not exactly a great parent.  I've asked and none of us grand kids ever saw that kind of behavior.  I asked a cousin of mine one time if he thought it was true and his answer was very sobering for me.  He said " your mother and my father are both abusive and they had to have learned it from somewhere.  Until I heard that, I never considered it to be true.  I also had the realization that if he was abusive something made him change and if he changed, became responsible for his behavior then its possible for other people to realize they are abusive as well and they can change too.  After all they had an example of it right in front of their faces.

    Kids of abusive parents have no friends.  The fear of what will happen when you bring them home keeps you from doing it.  Or the repercussions of bringing one home your parents don't approve of and the hell to pay and insults that you deal with after they leave.  You adapt, kind of living this constant shuck and jive.  You dog and your horse are your best friends, you can stay outside or in your bedroom for hours just trying to stay out of range.  After a while you when nothing is ever good enough you just give up.  You stop trying in school, in sports, you just look for some neutral safe ground.

     I would like to think that I've outgrown my child hood.  The reality is that while I have made great progress in my life  the fact is I have to work on my behavior every day.  I have to struggle to not be angry and abusive to certain types of people and my patience level with them sucks.  Getting into a verbal argument with me can be brutal.  There is no filter and my aggressiveness and meanness ramps up quickly.  I know at this age I am totally responsible for my actions.  I have no one to blame but myself at this stage in my life.

   I did not write this to lash out or to hurt anyone.  But to bring to light the fact that verbal abuse still happens and it can be just as damaging to it's victims as any other type of abuse.